Not the Only Blonde
by WhyFightAnEclipseWhenTheresJaz
Summary: Jacob tells jokes, not to just Rosalie, but to all the Cullens. What will Jacob get in return, as pay back?
1. Carlisle

_******EDITED******_

**Okay, this is just a stupid one shot where Jacob does a blonde joke but its not Rosalie that is in the room.**

Carlisle was sitting in the living room by himself since everyone was gone, and Emse was in the kitchen making something for Jacob.

Jacob came strolling in casually, "Hey, doc." He said plopping down on the couch next him.

Carlisle glanced at him and nodded, "Jacob."

"Always so formal and stuff. Here, I got a joke that will crack you up." Carlisle looked at him cautiously, "What's the difference between a smart blond and Bigfoot?" He asked smiling. He was glad he remembered that one, since he hasn't used it in a while. Carlisle didn't answer so his smile got bigger, "Oh, come on, it's easy." Still no answer. He sighed but was still smiling, glad he stumped him. "Then difference is that Bigfoot has been seen." He started doubling over in laughter at his joke.

Carlisle stood up, "And to think I helped you get better." He said stalking out of the room.

"Oh, admit, it was completely funny." He said resuming to laugh more.

**Totally stupid, but I had to do it. If you give me a joke I might do another one of these and they don't have to be a blond joke, but I want to do one for all the Cullen's. Haha, but I need jokes. And that's insult to Carlisle. He's super smart. Smarter then Jacob will ever be. :D Haha.**


	2. Rosalie

_******EDITED******_

Jacob walked into the kitchen, grabbing a cookie that Esme made, then traveled back out to sit in the living room with his favorite vampire.

Rosalie.

"Hey, Blondie." He greeted her around a mouth full of cookie.

"Don't talk with food in your mouth, dog." She said, her eyes not leaving the screen of the TV.

"Your lucky I'm even talking to you." He said, shoving the rest of the cookie in his mouth.

"I'd rather you didn't."

"Whatever, I won't talk to you, but I have to tell you this joke first." He paused, waiting for an answer, one that never came. He shrugged, taking that as a hint to go. "Why did the blond put lipstick on her forehead?" He asked, chuckling, while Rosalie sighed dramatically. "I swear this is one of the easiest ones yet." He paused, no answer, "Because she was trying to make up her mind." He laughed, "Get it?" He said shaking with laughter.

"Oh, yes, har har. Can you go now?" Rosalie said with no enthuasium at all.

**Okay, I decided to go one with all the Cullen's. Haha. I want short Question answer jokes, if you have any good ones for future people. Only for people I didn't do, yet. They if anyone has any super ideas for the Cullen's revenge on Jacob.**


	3. Jasper

_******EDITED******_

Jacob was sitting in the living room, watching TV, alone. Jasper, being a gentleman, whether he wants to be nice to the dog or not, asked if Jacob wanted company.

"May I join you, Jacob?" Jasper asked in his southern accent.

Jacob looked at Jasper for a minute before responding, "Yeah, sure." He said, looking back at his show.

Jasper sat down and stared at the TV, trying to think of something to say, anything to break the silence. From Jacobs emotions Jasper could tell he was relaxed and really didn't care about his presence, but Jasper was a little tense. He wasn't intimidated by Jacob or afraid, as he was through a lot more then Jacob ever would. He didn't know why, really. He just was, so he used some of Jacobs emotions to calm himself.

Jacob was the first to speak, "Can I tell you a joke?" He didnt give Jasper time to speak, "Why does it take longer to make a blond someman, then a regular one?" He asked, chuckling.

Jasper sighed, "Because you have to hollow out the head." He said looking at Jacob, who was glaring at him for knowing the answer. Jasper learned that, and many other jokes from when Emmett was looking up blond jokes and he was there. He found them funny then, but now, not now as it was directed to him. So, he didn't find any ounce of humor in it.

"Well, let me tell you something, Jacob Black," Jasper started when Jacob didn't say anything to him, "I have been on this earth far longer then you have, therefore, I know much more then you will ever know. My head is not hollow. Why don't you get that though your think skull that you have and try to remember it. I am and will never be a bimbo blond. Nor are Rosalie and Carlisle, especially not Carlisle. He saved your stupid puppy ass from death. And Rosalie may be mean sometimes, but she is in no way stupid. She is smart, smarter then you. Now knock of the freakin' blond jokes." Jasper ranted in his southern accent.

Jacob just gaped at him as the room fell into an akward silence, at least for Jaocb, anyway.

**Thank you, guys, so much for all the jokes. I really appreciate them, but I'm sorry I didn't use them on the blonds in the house, but if anyone can find a short question answer joke for Tanya, Emmett, Edward and Bella, I will be really happy. Especially for Tanya because Alyssa the Twilight Lover said I should have Tanya and I thought about it and thought it was a good idea. I have something good for it. ;)**


	4. Bella

_******EDITED******_

"Hey, Jacob." Bella said, walking in from being outside. She sat down next to him on the couch. "How are you?"

He pried his eyes from the TV and looked at Bella, smiling warmly at her. "I'm great. Yourself?" He looked back at the TV.

The screen suddenly went black and Jacob started protesting but Bella ignored it, "Oh, I'm great. I'm so glad I can talk to my friend and not have to worry about him paying more attention to the television then me."

Jacob shut his mouth and looked at Bella's glare. "I'm sorry. How about I make it up by telling you a joke?" He asked smiling and wrapping his arms around Bella's shoulders.

"Sure, knock yourself out." Bella said, smiling.

Jacob dropped his arms and shifted his body, "Okay. Whats the difference between a brunette and trash?"

Bella's smile fell and she stood up so fast not even Jacobs eyes could follow her. "You are so immature, Jacob!" He felt a slight sting on his cheek and his hand flew up to his face. Bella disappeared, back out the door.

He couldnt believe Bella had just slapped him. Come on, it was a joke.

There was a chuckle behind him, "I was going to tell you, but I wanted to see that." Edward said, coming up in front of him, crossing his arms. "Plus, you deserve it. You don't insult my wife." He backed up a step then turned around and walked out the same door Bella disappeared out.

Jacob frowned. He didn't get to finish his joke. He never got to tell Bella 'at least the trash gets taken out once a week'. He sighed and grabbed the remote, clicking at it furiously when the TV wouldn't turn on.

Bella giggled from the door way, swinging wires in front of her. Jacob growled.

**Okay, I don't think this is one of my better ones, but tell me what you think. And give me any question and answer jokes you have for Tanya, Edward and Emmett. Also any good revenge things for the Cullen's to get back at Jacob.**


	5. Tanya

_******EDITED******_

Jacob walked in from inside so see a beautiful red headed girl sitting on the couch in the Cullen's home.

"Hello, who are you?" Her voice rang out through the silent room.

"I'm Jacob. Friend of the Cullen's." He thought about that. Was he really friends with them? His enemies?

"Oh, yes. I've heard of you. Said you were a little annoying at times." She smiled warmly at him. He chuckled. "Oh, and I'm Tanya. Family friend with the Cullen's." She stuck her hand out and Jacob took it. He tried not to shiver at her cold touch but it slipped through. She quickly pulled her hand back and giggled lightly.

"Hey, I have a joke. Would you mind if I told you?" Jacob asked sitting down next to her.

"Yeah, sure."

"What do you call a redhead with an attitude?" Jacob chuckled.

Tanya cocked an eyebrow, "What is that suppose to mean?"

"Well, nothing. Its just a joke."

"A joke that's not at all funny to me, Jacob. I don't know how the others feel about your jokes but I don't like them. They're insulting." She stood up and walked out of the living room and upstairs yelling, "Edward!"

"What!?" Edward yelled from upstairs.

_Maybe he's the one with the attitude problem,_ Jacob thought.

"Jacob, he's being mean." She reached the third floor.

"Don't open the door Tanya!" Edward and Bella yelled at the same time. Jacob decided it was a good time to leave.

**Here's Tanya's chapter... Maybe not one of the best ones, but its still good, right? And I still need some for Emmett, Edward, and Esme.**


	6. Emmett

_******EDITED******_

"Hey, Mutt!" Emmett boomed, running down the stairs, then hopping the railing towards the end. He landed loudly and the house slightly shook.

Jacob sigh, "Emmett."

"Who's winning?" Jacob was staring at the television, watching the super bowl. "Ohh, the Colts! Yes! Lets go, lets go!" He yelled before Jacob could answer. Both Jacob and Emmett yelled at the TV when the Colts got a touchdown or had a good pass and when the Saints got a touchdown instead. A commercial came on and Jacob glanced at Emmett. Emmett was staring at Jacob like he was the most fascinating thing in in the world.

"What?" Jacob asked, getting self-conscious.

"Can I have one of your jokes?" Emmett asked smiling and Jacob chuckled. No one can resist his jokes. Especially someone like Emmett.

Jacob searched through his head for the perfect one. It's nothing like the other ones, but its still funny and it'll work. "Yo mama-" He was cut off.

"Oh my god! I love yo mama jokes!" Jacob chuckled again.

"Yo mama's so old I told her to act her age and she died." It was quiet besides Jacobs laughing at the suitable joke. He stopped laughing when he didn't hear Emmett laughing. "Why aren't you laughing?"

"I don't get it." He said, cocking his head to the side. Jacob sighed.

"Your mom, Esme, is really old. If she where to act her age she would be dead." He said slowly and something dawned on Emmett's face. Jacob was about to laugh again but Emmett's face stopped him.

He bolted up, "Don't insult Esme! Get out of this house, dog, and don't come back!" He yelled and Jacob ran to the door, leaving quickly. As he ran he heard Emmett's laugh ring through the woods behind him.

**Okay, theres Emmett! What did you think? Review!**


	7. Edward

_******EDITED******_

Edward came inside from hunting and he spotted Jacob, "Hello." He said, walking pass him and Jacob smiled.

"Come sit with me." He patted the seat next to him and Edward agreed, hesitantly. "Can I tell you a joke?"

"Sure, Jacob Black." Edward sighed. Jacob search through his head, looking for the lamest one.

"What did the picture say to the other picture?" Jacob chuckled, while Edward was not at all amused.

"You got framed." Jacob gaped at him. He was wondering why and how he could get that and this time Edward chuckled, pointing at his head.

Jacob growled, _you cheated._

**Okay, that's was probably the worst one.. It was really short, too. But, please review!**


	8. Alice

_******EDITED******_

Alice bounced into the living room, all happy. "Hey, Jake." She smiled and plopped on the couch next to him. "How are you doing?"

Jacob didn't want to ruin her good mood so he smiled at her and acted polite, "Hey, Alice. I'm good. How about you?"

"That's good to hear and I'm extraordinary." She stared at him and he watched her from the corner of his eye. It was quiet for a while, then Alice spoke. "I'm surprised you didn't tell me an insulting joke."

He chuckled, "Would you like me to?"

"Well, not really." Jacob smiled and so did Alice.

"Well, since your so nice and I like you I won't tell you a joke." He smiled, throwing his arm around Alice.

"Thank you, Jake." Alice said, hugging him.

"No problem, short stuff." Alice glared at him and stalked out of the room, mumbling. "What did I say?" He asked to no one in particular, "Oh." He said, when it dawned on him.

**What do you think? Review!**


	9. Jacob Revenge Ideas!

**Okay, if you have any good prank ideas for Jacob please tell me. :)**


	10. We Do Bite Back

**This last chapter is for Lady Lily of Darkness and A. E. Wilson. :) Enjoy!**

The Cullen's where at the house, thinking over what they should do to get back at Jacob. They were tired of his jokes that insulted them. He insulted Carlisle, pretty much calling him stupid. Carlisle is clearly smarter then Jacob. Anyone without a brain would see that.

They knew Bella knew the most about Jacob so they turned to her foe the advice on how to get back, "Well, he told me that he has a companion in bed with him at night." She smiled and looked into the eyes of every Cullen, the ones that got insulted, plus Tanya. "Well his companion is none other then Mr. Teddy. He_ has _to sleep with him or, Jacob said, he gets nightmares. Mr. Teddy scares them away from him." She finished, barely audible.

"Wow, what a little chicken." Jasper laughed and Emmett scoffed.

"You mean what a little pup." He chuckled and everyone was silent. Carlisle shook his head.

"Oh! And we could, like, shave off all his hair." Everyone's mouths fell wide open. Now would you really think Esme would say something like that? Well, those words just came out of her mouth. She wasn't even joked on! But the Cullen's all loved that other idea, too, even Carlisle.

"Oh, yeah. This is great!" Bella high fived Edward, then went around the circle, giving everyone high fives. After they went around Alice ran up into her bathroom, grabbing the hair shavers. She came down with one and Bella looked at her strangely and Alice whipped out three more from no where. "Great! This is going to be cool. So we are going to take the bear and shave? But wait. Jasper first will you get him mad so that he will shift then calm him down, so much that he falls asleep again?" Jasper nodded, "Then we can make sure that we get all his hair because I don't know where all that hair comes from." Bella shuddered, along with the others, "Anyway, lets get a move on!"

They all headed out the door and took to the woods because the cars would make to much noise and make Jacob wake up from his peaceful sleep, at least that's what they hoped he was doing. Because Alice couldn't see the future with werewolves they were going with luck. They were planning on sending Bella to his window, in case he was still up, then she could just say that she was there to visit. Now, I guess it was a little weird that Bella would be visiting at three in the morning, but this is the mythical world, what isn't weird?

They were hidden in the woods that were on the left side of Jacobs house. All the lights were off, but that didn't mean Jacob was actually in the house or asleep. So Bella snuck up to the house and scaled the tree that was near. She hung on to the end of the branch and looked in. His bed was on the opposite side of the room, across from the window. He was, luckily, asleep in his bed, all spread out in his tiny bed.

Bella motioned to Jasper so he could send waves of whatever you would call it, but it would cause him to, somehow, get out of bed and sleep walk outside, without knowing. But they were taking that precaution so that when Jacob shifted into the big werewolf he didn't take the roof off of his house and wake up Billy, totally screwing up their plan to get back at Jacob.

So Jacob slept walked out of the house, out in the front of the house, so Jasper went and brought him around back so no one would see him when he shifted into an oversized puppy, magically. Jasper really threw on the anger. He did it in waves, like tsumimi waves.

Jacobs eyes flashed open and he started shaking, vibrating. He hunched over and he was a werewolf in his backyard. Jasper threw on the sleepiness and he clasps to the ground and started snoring. Alice ran out of the woods with the shears, the cord draggin behind her and Bella groaned, "You didn't get battery operated cutters, Alice?"

"Do you think me so stupid, Bella? These amazing things are also battery operated." She smiled brightly. Alice handed out the four cutters, one for her, one for Emmett, one for Rosalie and one for Esme, since it was her idea.

While they went away at cutting his hair off Bella went to get his bear, Mr. Teddy. She thought about what to do to Mr. Teddy. She had no clue so her, Jasper, Carlisle, and Edward huddled up next to the half shaved dog and talked it over.

"Hang it in the tree by the neck and write a death note." Edward suggested.

Carlisle shook his head, "No, what we should do is rip it to pieces, then when he gets up tell him he has to my Mr. Teddy. When he finds one piece he'll be devastated. Then he find the rest and he'll try to put it back together, but will fail miserably."

Score two for the old vampires!

"Great idea, Carlisle! Do you want to do the honors of ripping it up?" Bella asked, handing the bear to him.

"Sure do!" He said popping the head off and catching it in the other hand. He handed it to Edward and proceed to rip both arms and legs off. That left the body, so everyone took part of the bear and ran off in different directions to hide them.

They all met back at the now hairless Jacob. You should see him. Instead of a giant dog he now looked like a giant mole. All wrinkly and ugly looking. He was now repulsive looking. I would love to see what the pack things of the modified Jacob. I smiled at the handy work and put a thumbs off.

"I think our work here is done." Emmett smiled and looked at the rest of us.

"No, we have to get him back to a human." Bella said then her eyes went wide, "Human!? How do we get him human again!?" She threw her hands up.

"I think we have hit an obstacle." Emmett stated the obvious.

"Um, just leave him out here?" Edward suggestion and everyone nodded and ran when Jacobs big, bald, wolfy head moved.

They all ran to the house, laughing the whole way. They thought this was the best way to get back at Jacob. Now he knows to never mess with the Cullen's again because we _do_ bite back.

**How was this? Review!**


	11. Jacob's Reaction

_"I think our work here is done." Emmett smiled and looked at the rest of us._

_"No, we have to get him back to a human." Bella said then her eyes went wide, "Human!? How do we get him human again!?" She threw her hands up._

_"I think we have hit an obstacle." Emmett stated the obvious._

_"Um, just leave him out here?" Edward suggestion and everyone nodded and ran when Jacobs big head moved__._

_Now he knows to never mess with the Cullen's again because we** do** bite back._

So, when the Cullen's got home they clasped to the ground laughing. Yeah, sure, Jacob will probably know that it was the Cullen's, but they didn't care. Its not like they didn't know it was him that was telling us the mean jokes, so its what he deserves.

The front door swung open and everything fell quiet and all heads were towards the reason for the sound. There was Jacob standing there looking terrified. "Jacob?" Bella asked, trying to keep her composer. "Is something wrong?" A small squeak escaped her lips but Jacob was in too much of a panic to notice.

"Mr.... Oh my god! Someone to something of my that is so valuable!" He cried, "I can't believe it. What am I gonna do!?"

Bella looked at Edward and let him see into her mind, _'doesnt he know that hes shaved?' _Edward shook his head and shrugged, smiling.

"This isn't funny, Cullen! That thing is so valuable!"

"Yeah and what is this valuable thing your talking about?" Emmett asked.

"Nothing! None of your business!" He yelled and ran out the door.... Crying?

Wow, this day was turning out to be weird and it wasn't the end of it either.

So, Jacob ran home and he found Mr. Teddy head nailed on his door. It was in the scrawl of a vampire, so he knew who it was. He started shaking uncontrollably and --poof-- he was a werewolf. He started running towards the house and he saw his paw.... shaved. He howled and dropped down, howling again. He was close enough to the Cullen's that they heard his howling but they didn't know for what, only Edward so he told them why he was howling.

Jacob was able to hear their laugh from the woods.

**Alright, haha. How was that? I'm done with this story. And, sorry for not updating, but I'm on my friends computer and mines not working. The outlet keeps blowing out. So, review!**


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